When Nellie Harden, a seasoned marine mammalogist turned human psychologist, made the pivot to mindful motherhood, she uncovered the profound impact of those first "6570" days on a child's development. Her story, filled with perseverance and the transition from her own challenging childhood to raising four daughters, resonates deeply with anyone who has ever questioned the nuances of parenting. Nellie joins us to impart her wisdom on positive discipline, tailoring strategies to meet the unique needs of each child, and the architect-like role parents play in designing the foundation for our children's futures.
In the company of Nellie, we traverse the landscape of parenting, reflecting on the transformation from the caregiving years to the guiding phase, where the emphasis is on cultivating confidence and self-worth. Her background in wildlife conservation brings a unique perspective to her parenting methodology, fostering a connection between her past experiences and the lessons she's learned as a mother. We explore the importance of active listening, understanding behaviors as communication, and the vital role parents play in preparing their children to navigate an overwhelming world with a solid sense of self.
Wrapping up our conversation, Nellie opens up about the intricacies of building strong relationships with adolescents, ensuring they have the tools they need to flourish in friendships and life. She generously offers a glimpse into the resources and support available for parents, highlighting the value of community in this shared journey. Tune in for a heartening exploration into the art of parenting, where you'll find encouragement, practical strategies, and a wealth of knowledge to support you and your children every step of the way.
When Nellie Harden, a seasoned marine mammalogist turned human psychologist, made the pivot to mindful motherhood, she uncovered the profound impact of those first "6570" days on a child's development. Her story, filled with perseverance and the transition from her own challenging childhood to raising four daughters, resonates deeply with anyone who has ever questioned the nuances of parenting. Nellie joins us to impart her wisdom on positive discipline, tailoring strategies to meet the unique needs of each child, and the architect-like role parents play in designing the foundation for our children's futures.
In the company of Nellie, we traverse the landscape of parenting, reflecting on the transformation from the caregiving years to the guiding phase, where the emphasis is on cultivating confidence and self-worth. Her background in wildlife conservation brings a unique perspective to her parenting methodology, fostering a connection between her past experiences and the lessons she's learned as a mother. We explore the importance of active listening, understanding behaviors as communication, and the vital role parents play in preparing their children to navigate an overwhelming world with a solid sense of self.
Wrapping up our conversation, Nellie opens up about the intricacies of building strong relationships with adolescents, ensuring they have the tools they need to flourish in friendships and life. She generously offers a glimpse into the resources and support available for parents, highlighting the value of community in this shared journey. Tune in for a heartening exploration into the art of parenting, where you'll find encouragement, practical strategies, and a wealth of knowledge to support you and your children every step of the way.
Welcome to the SJ Childs Show, where a little bit of knowledge can turn fear into understanding. Enjoy the show. Hi, welcome to the SJ Childs Show. Today we are speaking with Nellie Hardin and hopefully that this is easy as pronounced as I pronounced it right there. It's so nice to have you here today. Thanks for your time and you have a wonderful family story and I'm excited to just, you know, get in and get to know you better. Thanks for your time today.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 2:I'm really looking forward to talking yeah tell us a little bit about yourself, the introduction and what brought you here.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, my story is really long so I won't tell you the whole thing. I actually just recently, a couple of days ago, sat my kids down and told them my whole whole story. I think it's such an important my daughters I have four daughters, by the way, don't want to get ahead of myself and we've been married for 20 plus years at this point and our daughters are 18, 16, 16 and 14. So we are very, very much in the thick of everything teen, adolescent, adult training, middle school, high school, all the things, and. But I just recently sat down and told them my whole story and I think it's such an important way for them to understand your perspective and the way that you're talking to them and for them to see oh wait, she's not just saying things, she actually understands.
Speaker 1:You know where I'm coming from because I know she's been through X, y, z, right, but anyway, so I grew up, I was, I was raised by a single mom and then mom got remarried and I had a. I had a brother and sister there, but when I was, you know, released out into the world at the end of what I call the 6570, that's how many days are in 18 years, and it's really, you know, it's not a lot at all. You know, 6570. I was, I was part of a birth a couple of them actually in the room with the mom within the past couple of years and I just remember when this child was born, looking at this child and I was like day one, you know, day one, and it's such a growth and development time for these children and it was for me and it was for you and everyone listening as well, in the 6570. And it's really our highest impact influence zone as parents you know will always be. Parents will always have an impact and influence. But during that time period, during the 6570, we're not only influencing, we're literally shaping the brain, and so it's such a beautiful time and you can either launch after that or you can release after that.
Speaker 1:And I, you know, I was released out into the world and I really didn't have a foundation of worth and esteem and confidence which really led me off into the path, as many young women do, of just searching and chasing worth everywhere that you find it, and unfortunately, there's a lot, a lot of dark corridors that are open when somebody is a young adult is out there chasing their worth, and I found myself in that place as well. And then, you know, fast forward some time. I'm married and I, you know, I have four daughters of my own. So I'm an I'm my own, you know broken, recovering and healing woman and I'm turning around and I'm like I have four daughters to raise and my entire background is in biology and psychology and I actually worked in the animal side, out in the wild, with marine mammology in the first half of my career and then I switched over to the much more messier and complicated and, you know, convoluted area of humanity around 2012, 2011, 2012.
Speaker 1:And but I love it. And so helping families with positive disciplines and shaping, and you know, my daughters I have four daughters but, like you know you were alluding to before we got on the show here today, you have to raise them all differently that fits them and fits your relationship with them, in order to help raise them to the best of who they can be, right. And so that's been such a beautiful lesson that I have learned and taught and learned and taught and learned and taught over the last, you know, decade plus, and working with families and positive disciplines. So that's a little short yellow brick road into how I got to what I am doing today.
Speaker 2:I love that and so much to resonate with you in that way yeah, it's, it's, there's not enough to be said. And about parenting, and I had said maybe like a few months ago, there's, there's really no like good parenting, there's bad parenting. You shouldn't do that. But otherwise you're just. You're always just doing your best, you're at your best, your peak, and you could be doing all of the great things and you think you're doing everything right and then boom, like things blow up and you have to like I love that.
Speaker 2:You said the yellow brick road you have to put it all back together. Right, all the brick come flying apart and you have to put it all back together in a whole. Nother way that fits this whole mother kind of journey or whatever error that you're going to go through. It is so hard to, as a woman, keep yourself in a place that is not only best for yourself but then always also best for being an example of how to be a great woman someday for them, and I think that we don't give ourselves enough credit in those moments to realize how much pressure that is and how much responsibility that is and we really have to just be kind of intentful about how we go about, and so I want to hear more about positive discipline and positive boundary setting and things and how. Maybe it you realize that you needed to start there, like what was kind of that moment or pivotal change that happened, or did you just go in with a plan?
Speaker 1:Definitely did not go in with a plan. You know I was mentioning before we went through infertility. For you know, a number of years before we had our first child and then we had twins and then we our fourth one was a surprise. And so when we first had kids, you know, when you go through infertility you're a parent long before you're an actual, you know, parent with a child in your arms because you are sacrificing so much for that child. And so by the time we had kids, and when they started coming, they just started coming right.
Speaker 1:And then I'm, you know, I have four kids, four and under, and I'm like, wow, and we were just so grateful to have our children at that point. So you know, there's that honeymoon period. But then when you're taking care of four that are four and under and growing, has this group really? You know, when you have them that close together, they're growing as this beautiful you know sisterhood literally in our home. And then I the the perspective starts to shift when you start having those situations. Maybe something happened at school, maybe there's something happening and you are extended family and you're like, okay, hold on, this isn't just about me. You know, playing with them all day or doing this, I'm literally teaching them life. And so I think one of the most beautiful you know side effects, if you will of my first part of my career working in the wild and working with animals is that I got to see the black and white character of the parent hood, of you know this, this childhood experience. The reality is and yes, it's beautiful and there's lots of fun and games and our messy humanity and all of this, but the reality is our childhood is to prepare us for adulthood, and so when those realizations start coming along and those situations start coming along and you're like hold on, I'm not just, you know, holding up a ship here and playing, I'm steering a life right. And so I call parents architects because family architects, because we are planning, we are designing and we are building the beginning of somebody else's life, right, and so, and that's what this foundation is that we're having there so, once that those realizations start coming along and it's like a snowball effect, once it happens for the first one, you're like, oh wait, no, these these guys too, oh wait, these guys too. And so you're like, okay, what can I do to start building? And so always having the mindset and this applies to so many areas of life what I'm doing and what I'm teaching, and you know, my behavior and their behavior or interactions today are actually serving their future self. I am not serving just today. In fact, serving today is a small part of what I'm doing. I am serving their future self. And so once you have that mindset in, it's like, okay. So I'll just take a real world example. Right, I have a 14 year old.
Speaker 1:Yesterday was her birthday, actually, and she was. She had a test today and she is. She's in eighth grade. She's taking two high school science classes concurrently right now. So she has a lot. She's trying to separate these two sciences and being like what am I being tested on, you know, and all. So it's confusing for her. It was just an ill hiccup of a setup with scheduling. It is what it is, but she's she's doing great. But she had a test in one of them today, which means, of course, yesterday.
Speaker 1:Some of it had to be spent studying, but in her 14 year old mindset she's like but it's my birthday and I'm like but that's life Like. Sometimes that happens. I can't change your test day tomorrow. I wish I could, but I can't. So we have to spend part of today making sure you're effectively studying. So we can. You know, you can get through it and have a good time later on.
Speaker 1:And she was distraught about it, which, if I was just living for yesterday, if I was just living in the moment, I would have been a distraught mess too, been like.
Speaker 1:You know what cool it chill out, do all this and I would have been down the spiral with her. But I was like okay, how can I serve her future self right now, even though she is a sloppy mess right now? But I need to be able to stay calm so that we can not only get through today, but the next test that comes along, the next birthday that has an unexpected thing that needs to happen on it, right, it's not a big deal. I've been through this before. I remember sometimes things just happen on your birthday, right, and so that's just a really simple, real world example of what I'm talking about here. And so positive parenting is really just about serving their future self, but asking yourself in the moment, how can I serve them right now? And, you know, how can we walk forward, always looking in the future, not just at the needs and especially wants of right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely Our kids today. I mean, what an era that they are growing up in, bigger and different than any of us could ever imagine, blooded with images and sounds and all of the things 100 times, million times, faster than any adult around them has taken in. And how do we then, as parents, try to be understanding and also be protective and keep that safe boundary with those types of things? What do you guys do in your family?
Speaker 1:So in the second half of childhood. So childhood is definitely broken up into caregiver and trainer or guide, right, and so that's what we're doing in the second half of childhood. First half of childhood is very much taking care of those physiological needs, making sure they feel secure, right. But second half of childhood, we're building them into the young adult that we want to launch out into the world, and that's a partnership. First half, you're doing everything for them, right? This is what you're wearing, this is what you're eating, this is what you know who your friends are, this is who you say hello to. These are the words you need to use. Second half of childhood, it's a partnership with them and it's vitally important that we are building this foundation. I call it the WEC foundation so worth esteem and confidence, and in the bottom ring of that, I think of a three-tiered cake. I'm not even a dessert person, but that's what comes to mind.
Speaker 1:And anyway, the bottom, you know ring of that is worth and it is incredibly vitally important. And I think if you asked any parent out there today they would say, yes, I definitely want my child to leave home knowing that they have worth. But it's a cloud, it's very, you know, it's it. There's nothing to grasp in there very easily. And so what? The work that we do is put actual actions and logistics and systems to ideas like worth, esteem and confidence that are hard to grasp and don't have a lot of you know to-dos out there. So, with worth, there's five things that every human ever is and will be needs, and that is to be seen and heard and loved, belong, really belong somewhere and have a purpose. And so what you're describing in this world that is so information heavy and there's so many ideas and thoughts going through their head, is especially that heard piece. They need to know that they're heard and seen. Right, all five of them are equally important, but in the case that you're describing there being heard and seen and so, as a parent, we need to become really good listeners.
Speaker 1:That means not talking over one another when you're in the car, right, if someone pokes up and then is shut down because someone else started talking. Be sure you wrap around and say, oh, what were you about to say? I really wanted to hear what you had to say, right? And then they're like, oh, my ideas are worthy. You know, someone actually wants to hear what I think and what I have to say. Asking their opinions very often is so important. When they walk into a room, be sure you make eye contact with them and actually say their name. Our brains react when, like certain areas of our brain, actually react and light up whenever our name is being said, especially in a positive light. Not the whole middle, you know first and middle name you're in trouble.
Speaker 1:That's a different light up, but anyway. So, hey, how are you doing? You know Lana Lana is one of my daughters and oh, I'm good. And then we have a conversation and distractions are put down. So they know I'm worth someone's focus, I'm worth someone's time right now.
Speaker 1:Listen out, there in the world, we cannot control what is going on to a great extent, but in the home you can be a team, and a team that works together. The parents are the captains, right, Absolutely. But you're a team together. And our kids are so smart not just my kids, everyone's kids are so smart and they have great ideas. They just need to be listened to. And when you think about the opposite of all of those things that I mentioned, right, if you want to be seen, right, the opposite is invisible. If you want to be heard, right, the opposite is that you don't have a voice. You know, loved, unloved, belong, you don't belong. All of those things, the opposites of those worth, are what we are seeing and the root cause of all of the issues that we're seeing with adolescents today. Right, and so we need to make sure we're filling that worth bucket and teaching them how to fill it themselves through intrinsically right First, before extrinsically. But us as their parents, us as their family, we can start feeding that into them so that they know that they do have that worthiness.
Speaker 1:Last night I was speaking with a group I work in the community with a group of middle and high school young women, and they just were, I sit down and we're talking like what concerns do you have right now? Is there anything that's bothering you? Is there anything that you have a question about? And all of these concerns about world politics that are happening thousands of miles away. We're coming up right and they're like what does this mean? What does this mean for our future? And it's like well, what do you think? What have you heard? How do you feel about this? So, instead of being the answer for everything, reflect back a question so you can dig deeper into what they're feeling and thinking and some of those things that they might have heard or that they're thinking. You're like no, you don't need to worry about that, or that's not actually necessarily true. So you can course correct along the way, but you won't know what to do unless you are a listener first.
Speaker 1:So, just, I mean, I think that's one of the biggest things that you can do as a parent.
Speaker 2:No, I completely agree. And there's a difference between listening and active listening, really getting in there and letting them know that you hear, repeat back what they're saying and oh, so you feel this, this and that okay, yeah, I completely agree with that. I think that there's such, and maybe in the sense that it sounds a little bit like you and I kind of went through life imagining that for ourselves, not understanding how to to teach it number one, feel it for ourselves, number two. So I think it's really powerful that we can get to the point where we can offer that as a tool for daughters especially, especially. I remember when my daughter was born or when she was maybe two or three and thinking, okay, I never want her to have that, just like you're saying, that sense of worth, not being there, that questioning the value, questioning and having these like self love issues. And I just how can I right now, like change the path of not having, you know that happen to some another person? And my own idea, which may be crazy, was that I told her and she's my only daughter and told her you know, no matter who says like grandma says, oh, do you love grandma the most? Or whatever you always say I love myself the most. I, you, always say I love them. I come first, I love myself the most. And I think that it I see her now and even when she's struggling during this tricky adolescent period of, you know, sixth grade, I still see that inner love, or that inner like confidence and respect for herself above all others. And you know, it's still, I think, hard, even when you do have it, though I mean, it still is hard to understand building relationships. You have to go through trial and error on that one sometimes, and that's hard to watch as a mom, isn't it? And you want to be. Oh, you know, maybe you shouldn't begin, you just have to literally stay out of it.
Speaker 2:And I've realized that, and maybe that came from learning so much in the first realm of parenting that I had, which was, oh my gosh, this is someone else's child. They're depending on me and expecting me to be my best, like all I have is what my parents gave me. That's the only tools I've come prepared with, because I haven't even birthed a child yet. So I don't even know, like I don't have that parental, you know. And so I think it was an interesting lesson. And love for another person's child is. I think it's really special that you can, you know, do that and have that dedication. But it also came with some lessons learned about maybe that's not the right kind of parenting anymore.
Speaker 2:And I remember, you know as when, because she was like I said it's, she's in her 20s and so you know, 20 years ago I was just coming out of my 20s barely and still in the mindset, like, of how I was raised. So the communication was bad. It was not between my husband and I. It's always been fantastic, but I it was.
Speaker 2:It was close to like raising a pet, I suppose you could say, because you know it's just like come over here, you're yelling, and a lot of things that I learned that weren't conducive to setting up that future person's self.
Speaker 2:And you know it's it's so hard because you kind of have this amazing seat that you were preparing ahead of time and so that that was really wonderful. You know, and this case it was like teenage parents that now somebody else was in raising this child and it's this conglomeration of things and you know, and ultimately genetics have a lot to do with it. You can't change somebody else's personalities or you know things that come along with it. So, wow, what a knowledge, a cornucopia of knowledge, that I have gained from that. And so, a decade later, when I then had a child who's non-speaking a whole nother realm of you know parenting had to come about and had to like, blossom and learn how to reevaluate and readjust everything I ever thought was what I needed to do. So there, like you said, learning that there is no perfect way to do it. No, birthdays are off limits just because they're a birthday day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and you know a couple of the things that you touched on. Is I? One of the things that is vitally important that we use with our kids is serving, and so there's a family that we have served for the last several years and they have kids, and my kids have learned how to love their kids and take care of their kids and, especially with youngest children, they can sometimes be thrown into the baby. Therefore, I'm always the baby you know category. So helping them take care of someone that is younger than them really shows them that when it's time to step up, right. But serving with your kids and having those discussions, you know sometimes we've served in really difficult, you know environments or situations, but then we get to have those rich conversations afterwards, those you know cautionary tales. Sometimes, you know, gosh, I really wish they wouldn't have made that choice, but this is what the result of that was, and you know we have those discussions or I'm so glad that we got to serve. Or look at, you know, this unfortunate story here. You know how can we help out, and so serving with your kids is a great tool that you can use, and especially that vulnerability piece. So this foundation that I'm talking about is built with four tools, and that is vision, discipline, vulnerability and resilience. Those are the four tools that are needed in order to build this foundation. And that second tier there reminds me of what you were talking about, and that's that esteem piece. So self-esteem is value and depreciation for yourself, which really is synonymous with trusting yourself.
Speaker 1:And in a world where they are so distracted, they can be distracted, if allowed 24, seven, by literally one to three million people trying to speak. You know their version of truth, I say in air quotes into them, right, and? But they need to learn how to trust themselves. And during adolescence, their frontal lobe is still very, very, very much under construction, and so their critical thinking is not all online. And if you have lived with an adolescent, a preteen or teenager, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And you sometimes do not understand, like, why are they doing that? You don't understand why and there's a good reason for that their brain is literally developmentally completely different than yours.
Speaker 1:At that point, if you look at the brain of an adolescent and the brain of an adult, they can almost like.
Speaker 1:Physiologically they can look like two different species almost, even though on the outside they just look like a shorter version of you, know you, or maybe not a shorter version. I'm short, so a lot of these, like 12 year olds, can be taller than I am, and so, but helping them come up with a actual thinking system where it's a, it's a, you know, a cycle of checks and balances to make sure that the end result that behavior that they're having, which any behavior that you see in any of your kids that is the very end result of a long cycle that goes from thought to feeling to decision to action and then result, and so they just don't have a behavior right. It comes from somewhere. And tracing that back to what that thought was why they chose to camp out on that, what feelings they had about that, what decisions came from that, etc. So is it hard work to effectively and intentionally, you know, raise and train up in order to launch a child?
Speaker 1:1000% yes it is not easy and it is a lot of work, but so worth it to be able to see them go off into the world ready for the world, equipped with their greatness. Oh I love that.
Speaker 2:And yeah, I always say and you know I do a lot of autism advocacy work and stuff and I always want parents to understand exactly what you just said and I might say it a little differently, but ultimately it means the same thing and that is all. Behavior is communication.
Speaker 2:And everything that is that you're seeing, that you're not understanding. You need to look and listen closer and you need to, like you said, trace it back. We need to figure out well, if they're for the. We never did really figure it out, so the guess that's a really bad example. There was a time where our son we couldn't turn right out of the driveway, we had to go straight, couldn't go down a certain street, we had to go away, and if we went to he would just he would just freak out and self harm and all of these things, and you never just want to traumatize your kid for the you know who cares if we go straight, we're getting out of the neighborhood, no matter what.
Speaker 2:But there's so many different times where you make accommodations to help make it easier. For especially in our case, in that matter, you know, but understanding, I think it was a couple years after that that I had read this book called Uniquely Human, and that was kind of the basis of that was that all behavior was communication and so to trace back those ideas and those steps to see what is causing that trauma at the time, or that you know the behaviors to occur. So it's so important that that happens.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and something like that. It just reminds me of when we had a situation with our kids that then my youngest also had. So the twins did this, and then my youngest, when they were around maybe two and a half, maybe three, you know, they were in big girl beds, quote-unquote, and it was during nap time and we read a lot to our kids, and so we have extensive library that they had in their room so they could look through them. Well, they went through this phase where they were tearing the books and so they were ripping the pages. I came in I was so sad, like some of our favorite books and books today are not cheap, right, you know, you go to buy a picture book. It's like $22 or whatever, and they had destroyed several of them, and then I cleaned them all up.
Speaker 1:We discussed that. You know, we respect our things, we don't do it. Sure enough, the next day again, they had that I like this, I'm gonna do this, right. And so I was like, okay, well, this obviously isn't working, and so I was trying to think of what they were getting out of this, and so they just seemed to really, you know, like the ripping. It was entertaining to them, and so I just went to the store and I bought a ream of computer paper and I put that in the room and I was like this and I ripped it right, this you can do those no.
Speaker 1:And sure enough, I came in and that almost the whole ream was like in confetti around the room, but the books were okay and so just helping, like understanding they aren't doing this to be disrespectful, right, they aren't doing it to be obstinate. They aren't, you know, doing it because it's a book and you know mom and dad paid money for this and so I want to destroy, like it wasn't, all of these. You know stories that we can tell ourselves that is happening. It's like it's probably a lot more simple than that. Just look at it and see what are they getting out of this or what do they not want to get out of this, and that's just a story that comes to, comes to mind, and they just really liked ripping paper, something about the noise, the feel, etc. And so when, then, my youngest started doing it two years later, I was like I know this face.
Speaker 2:My oldest never did.
Speaker 1:My oldest never did, but those three did, and so anyway, yeah, just looking at tracing it back, what are they getting or not getting, or afraid of, or answer? Try to answer that question, yeah.
Speaker 2:Definitely Can you say something kind of in the very beginning, and it reminded me of something my husband just told me the other day, and that was about what you're bringing to relationships and how you're showing up for relationships or chasing things.
Speaker 2:You had said, I think in a sense and this might be completely off topic, where we're just talking about, but my brain won't talk about it anyway, but that is. I heard something that's, or he's my husband said you know, you never, you can't, don't ever go to the grocery store hungry, because what do you do? You get there and you make bad choices. You are just like in impulse and you're craving and it's all there and so it all looks good and you buy way too much, or you buy all the things you didn't mean to buy. So don't go into relationships thirsty either. Mm, hmm, you know, looking, seeking, trying to fill whatever space the last relationship built for you, or how do you navigate with your girls, how to seek out friendships, or, when friendships end, how to then maybe take some time before jumping back in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. That is a huge topic, especially for adolescent young women. Is this the fickle world of friendships? You know, and so to your point? Some people might have heard of halt right Before, like don't make a decision when you're hungry, angry, lonely or tired, Because then you're not going to make a decision that actually serves you. And the cycle that I discuss and teach for that middle tier of esteem, as I call it, the halt cycle for her aligned and living thoughts and really going through and doing that.
Speaker 1:But I bring that up because it's about trust in yourself again and helping or learning how to be whole on your own without filling the gaps with somebody else, Because people will fail you every time, and that's not to say the world is a terrible place or what have you? I mean, I've been married to you know my husband for 22 years. You know now, and every single moment of every single day for 22 years, it's not always rainbows. You have to be able to work with people and they will let you down sometimes, but that doesn't mean you give up on them. At the same time, you need to have a healthy boundary up, especially with these you know middle and high school relationships, to say you know what this really isn't serving me right now. It is not serving my future. Right now I need to have a healthy boundary up. That does not mean that I have a license to be unkind. It does not mean I have a license to be rude, even if they're being rude to me, Right? And so, actually, just speaking with this same group of young women that I was with last night you know we talk a lot about how I know that Netflix and Hallmark and all these things are trying to tell you that the relationships that you make when you are 14 or 16 will last an entire lifetime and you have to hold on to those, because if you don't have those, then you're worthless, right? And because there's so much romanticized you know the girl clicks and the boyfriends and all of this stuff.
Speaker 1:From that time I said but here's the thing, speaking as a 45 year old woman, those relationships that you make in middle and high school, it is extremely rare that you hold on to those on the highest of pedestals that really move your life needle for decades to come. It's not going to be the case, and I know you're in it right now and it feels like that's the case, but I promise you that it's not. So use this time to practice your relationships, because you will run into difficult people in your life. You will run into gracious and kind and loving souls in your life, so how are you going to treat them? And you don't want to shut down and be in a bubble during this adolescent and training zone for adulthood, because then you're going to go into adulthood and be like I don't know how to interact with people. And the work I do that, so that foundation is built with those tools and the work I do, is right at the cross section of understanding your biology what's actually happening in my brain and my body, especially in a young adolescent woman, right, and then psychology that personality piece that you were talking about and faith and culture, and so it all intertwines into building this beautiful foundation that we're talking about here, but helping them be whole on their own before Not before concurrently, as they're having these talks, and that takes a lot of talks on your part.
Speaker 1:Relationships it takes a lot of talks on your part. So one thing I really recommend is having one-on-one time with each one of your kids, and so my husband and I every week, even with my oldest is in college now and we get on FaceTime, but every week we have one-on-one time on Tuesdays, and so two of them have it on Tuesday, two of them have it on Thursday and we swap out each week whether they see mom or dad. So there's not this lopsided relationship, because relationships with mom are going to be different than relationships with dad and we want to develop both of those. But we want them to know you have my full attention for the next 30, 45 minutes.
Speaker 1:Right, and we do family time too, absolutely. But there's things that are not going to be brought up around the dinner table or not going to be brought up around the kitchen island. That will be brought up when it's just face-to-face, just the two of you, and you can ask those questions, you can have fun, you can build something, you can go for a walk, you can have hard conversations, whatever that is that comes up that week. But having that one-on-one time then solidifies that relationship, that worth helping them build that trust in themselves and that confidence, so that they can have that confidence, so that they can go off into the world tomorrow. And if you know, I don't know let's say Sarah or not, not.
Speaker 1:Sarah but that was just a first name that came to mind. But anyway, if Molly, let's say, or whatever is not kind to you in the hallway tomorrow that doesn't sink your entire ship right and say, oh, I'm not worthy, no one in this world gets me, no one understands me, because this person, you know, said a rude comment to me in the hallway. So really, just solidifying them first.
Speaker 2:So important that they have a sense of belonging, like you said, and value and all of those. That's amazing, the wonderful kind of set up that you have for that. Where can people go to find out more about how they might be able to get coaching from you? Or website social medias all of the good places.
Speaker 1:All of the things. You can go straight to my website. I like to keep it super simple, so it's just Nelly Hardencom. You'll be able to find the social sites on there in the community section Resources, master classes I'm in the midst of revamping one of the master classes, so you'll be able to see the new one that is out there called Daughter Decoder, and so, yeah, all of that is in one place on the website.
Speaker 2:I love that. Well, I'm so glad that we got to meet because, having a daughter, I need all of the support, help, advice, tips and all of the things I can get ever, and so I have some great resources. I want to send your way to that. I think that you guys will just enjoy Wonderful. Yeah, thank you so much for your time today. I look forward to staying in touch and checking back in seeing how things are going, so I hope we can do that Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, absolutely, thanks so much.