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THE SJ CHILDS SHOW
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THE SJ CHILDS SHOW
Season 12-Episode 181-Transformative Parenting: Empowering Your Autistic Child with Confidence and Compassion featuring Andrea Pollack
What if you could transform your approach to parenting an autistic child while shedding the burden of guilt and frustration? Join me for an illuminating conversation with Andrea Pollack, a former lawyer turned autism educator and coach, who shares her compelling journey from the legal field to homeschooling her autistic son and founding Autism Parent Solutions. Andrea’s insights are not only eye-opening but also incredibly actionable, focusing on problem-solving strategies and the critical importance of reducing parental guilt. We discuss the multifaceted challenges of homeschooling and navigating the post-COVID landscape, emphasizing the need for recognizing individual progress and creating social opportunities that align with a child's unique interests.
Building a strong parent-child connection is at the heart of our discussion. Andrea and I delve into the significance of self-regulation, realistic expectations, and the powerful impact of prioritizing support over punishment. With practical examples like the engaging game "Ready, Set, Go," we uncover effective ways to communicate and interact with children. We also tackle the delicate balance between discipline and support, offering constructive methods that both guide and uplift your child. This chapter is packed with actionable advice and relatable anecdotes that will resonate with any parent striving to create a nurturing environment for their autistic child.
Our conversation also explores the evolving perspectives within the autistic community and the importance of listening to the diverse experiences of autistic individuals. Andrea emphasizes the need for parents to build their understanding and confidence, while also remaining open to new therapeutic approaches. We wrap up by highlighting the resources available through Autism Parent Solutions, including community support on Facebook and personalized coaching opportunities. If you're a parent looking to enhance your understanding and support for your autistic child, this episode is a treasure trove of information and encouragement. Tune in to discover how you can transform your parenting journey with confidence and compassion.
Welcome to the SJ Child Show, where a little bit of knowledge can turn fear into understanding. Enjoy the show. Hi, and thanks for joining the SJ Child Show. I'm your host, sj Childs, and today I am here with Andrea. Is it? Is it? I'm going to say? Let you pronounce it, is it Pola? Is it Pollock? Oh, me and uh, sounding out of things all the time. So my maiden name is gullaher, so, believe me, it's the same sense of bradford, easy peasy now. So that's been, that's nice. Well, it's so nice to have you here today and I look forward to our discussion. Before we get started, please just tell our audience a little bit about yourself and what brought you here today.
Speaker 2:Sure, Thank you, I'm happy to be here. I was a lawyer for 19 years and my son when he was four. He's autistic and he was not doing well in a school environment and we really couldn't find a school where we thought he would thrive. So I left my career to homeschool him and I did that for eight years and at the end of eight years he was ready to reenter a school environment and I knew that, you know, it would be really criminal for me to take everything I had learned with me back into a law career. So I knew I wanted to help other parents. I knew, I mean, I had learned so much through so much trial and error and that I could help parents, you know, get there faster. So I went back to school, I got my master's in education and I started Autism Parent Solutions. It's an education and coaching practice to help parents get there faster.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that. So nice to have resources like that, because a lot of times, especially newer parents that are, you know, in a diagnosis, don't even know that they have these types of resources available to them. So it's wonderful. It's what kind of what was your why or your mission to start this and like, where have you found it? It's going and all the good stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, great. Well, my mission was what I had learned. You know, I approached that homeschooling thing and the parenting thing like a Wall Street lawyer, which is what I had been, and I really, so I really, you know, did a lot of reading and meeting experts and reaching out and what I realized over time was that there were just a few strategies that really could help parents learn to problem solve, to figure out, to get the answers that they needed because autism is an incredibly complex situation, as you know, complex in every area, complex in education, complex just everywhere and that I could reduce that complexity in some ways for parents to help them try to figure out what's going on and what can I do about it. Because, you know, so many parents were experiencing that uncertainty and then the guilt that comes along with the uncertainty, and I knew I could help them with that piece. So I created this framework that I use to help parents really, you know, figure out what's going on and what to do about it. Oh, that's wonderful, what.
Speaker 1:How old was your son when he was diagnosed? Wonderful what, how old was your son?
Speaker 2:when he was diagnosed he was about just over two. It was like two years, four months. He's 25 now. Okay, that wasn't at this a long time?
Speaker 1:No, yeah, you have been, absolutely, and mine is 14 and was diagnosed at 16 months, so about 10 years behind you probably in our journey here and it takes so much time. I felt I feel like for us it was his younger years. Right now it's almost like easy and I don't want to say that, to be like, you know, tell anybody that this is really easy. But as comparatively, comparatively to the support needs he had, especially since he was non-speaking until four or five, for those first five years, that was our most difficult, I think, and challenging. Then we got into school. That got very challenging and the same thing.
Speaker 1:We had to come home and homeschool and we've been homeschooling for the past six, seven, eight years now as well, and we have kind of come to a point where we're just not doing anything. Right now we're at a standstill and it's tricky. I'd like to know what you think about resources for mid-teens, 14 to 18. How do you think, as far as like, especially not having a child in school, how do we provide these resources, opportunities and experiences for those kiddos who don't get services at those ages and have this gap in services and like, for us, school, school environment, right? Well, I mean, I think it's two different, slightly different things.
Speaker 2:Right, the services issue. I mean, I'm curious what you mean by we're not doing anything. Do you mean on the services and therapy front? Is that what you're talking about?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, we, just after COVID, we didn't rein excuse me, we didn't have a reinstate ABA or have them come back out, and we've just thought we're. You know, this has been um he's. He seems to be progressing. He's really progressing in his own way, on his own kind of timeframe, and we're following that Great?
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, and that's why I think it's different, cause I love that because, you know, not everybody needs services just because they have autism. I mean, everybody needs support in lots of places. I don't mean to discount the struggles and the needs for support, but I love that you're recognizing that he's doing well, he's making the progress. He doesn't need that kind of support. So to me, the other thing you're asking about, then, is more like social support, because he's not in school and so opportunities. So to me, that's a slightly different thing, and I think there it's. It can be challenging, but finding people who like the same things that he likes is the best opportunity for creating friendships and bonds, because it just gives a natural you know, a natural path toward connection.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so tricky with. With autism in general, the connection piece is so very different for each person. I know and you probably don't know this about me or my family but I was diagnosed at 45, so late diagnosed. Now I'm able to kind of look at that as a whole as a human and go back and kind of piece together all the pieces that that meant for me. My daughter is also. She's in sixth grade, she was also diagnosed at eight and so, as with girls, very late, you know, a later diagnosis and understanding.
Speaker 1:But then when I look at his communication piece I still see that even if I found another child or somebody with his same interest, I don't know that that would be important or meaningful to him. I don't know that those skills are ones that he wants to have or cares to have. He seems to me kind of still in his own world still, and there hasn't been a lot of and I know there's a lot of autism stories like that right when they just they're hard to reach. Um, but you know we were so glad that he is communicative at this point Like and and I kind of refer to him as semi-verbal because he's not it wouldn't be easy for him to access like well, excuse me, help in the community or anything like that. He still doesn't have those skills available to him. So definitely things that we'll need to be working on.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I hear you. What I would suggest, though, to think about is I agree with your initial statement a lot that the connection looks different for each person, and just because he can't necessarily create reciprocal conversation, or it doesn't, it may not look like he has the connection, doesn't mean that there isn't some connection there, some connection there. So you know, I guess it may be true that you know, you know him best, obviously, and he can articulate some, some ability, you know something about his preferences, but I think the best shot at connection I would go back to that is somebody who has similar interests, and the connection might not look like what we think connection looks like, but he may. What we think connection looks like, but he may. He may experience it, even if he can't show that.
Speaker 1:So it just might be something that to keep in mind. Yeah, no, thank you very much. I appreciate that, cause I think that oftentimes we get a little bit stagnant in our own you know, parenting and things, when we're like, oh, this doesn't work, this doesn't work, and we kind of give up on the ideas that maybe it will, in different environments maybe, or, you know, with different individuals that it might work a little better. So right.
Speaker 2:Well, also then to, I guess I'm asking to reframe and rethink about what does it look like to work right? So for my son, for example, at that age, you know, if he were in it in a place where there was, say, a sporting event going on, he would not want to join it, he wouldn't even look like he was looking at it, but he really wanted to go. Like every time, Like he felt connected. He felt, and little by little he eased his way in, Like here he'd walk over and he'd like, shoulder bump somebody, Like for him that was connection. So you know, just keeping an open mind to what working looks like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely Wonderful, and I think, being a parent of autistic children, that is like your daily goal is to keep an open mind, keep an open think, consider what you hadn't considered, think, and you know, I think that it's for society. I think that parents before that maybe didn't have the understanding to think outside the box. That was something that is really hard for those who are still in that mindset, for those of us who have kind of been forced and pushed into that open your mind. You're not going to be able to do this Otherwise. Uh, we see the benefit and we see the you know the outcome that can be successful for so many families and so many children and adults.
Speaker 1:Now um that it's so nice to that to have things like love on the spectrum to come out to media, kind of showing the complexity, like you said, of so many different levels of of autism that obviously can't be represented in one hour of a TV show. So it's nice though that they're starting to to kind of, you know, hit the iceberg right, shine a light on the tip of the iceberg, exactly.
Speaker 2:And you know that whole what you were talking about. You know, the idea of keeping an open mind and reassessing and remembering to. You know, challenge yourself to think of things in new ways is exactly why I love what I do, because that's what I help parents do all the time, because we don't realize it's impossible to see. You're on blind spots, right? So it is so helpful to have somebody who you know, and it's not, it's not a calling someone out on their blind spots at all, it's about opening up. You know, have you considered this other idea? And sometimes the answer is yes, I've considered it and rejected it. Great, next, let's move on to the next.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you. That's wonderful that you said that too, because it's not a one size fits all jar of cookies, like not everything is going to work, your kid is not going to react or fit in the same way, or, you know, take a medicine that's going to react the same way. Everybody is so very different, and so it's really this trial and error almost, and measured tracking. That's what we did when he was younger. I remember just tracking, tracking, tracking everything to try to make sense of things and what types of. When you have a new parent that comes to you and says okay, where do I start? Like what? What is my top three things that I need to start focusing on to help build this connection and relationship?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that question actually to build the connection and relationship, because that is where I focus, right. Sometimes parents are like, which therapy should I do first? And I, you know I can give opinions on those kinds of things, but I'm talking about parenting and parenting is separate from you know, all of those therapies. So I am focusing on the relationship and communication. To me, the place to start is really understanding self-regulation theirs and yours, right? Because we don't get taught about self-regulation.
Speaker 2:Self-regulation is a set of skills that we develop somewhat naturally over time, but it's actually a set of skills and we don't realize all the time when we're exercising it or not exercising it right. So we're always modeling and we have opportunities to help our children grow their self-regulation. So we start there and then the next step is really learning how to set your child up for success, and what I mean by that is really setting expectations that are at or just above where they are, so that they're successful. It doesn't mean lowering expectations in the long run, because having high expectations is great, but having a high expectation that they can't meet is just frustrating for everyone. So learning how to meet them where they are which I know is an overused phrase, but it actually really, to me, does describe what we need to do and then help them to reach just the next step right. And that's how we get to the high expectations right, step by step. We can't skip all those steps.
Speaker 1:Exactly. I remember one of our early intervention therapists. One of the things that I think advice she gave us or a tangible kind of game to play, if you will, with him was ready set go. We would say ready, set go. And then we'd run down the hallway or we'd give high fives or something. And so we do that with him all the time.
Speaker 1:And you know, at the very beginning there was no inner, he wouldn't, he, there wasn't anything. And then he started to keep seeing it happening and it would. We were so excited that he would get so excited. And then he started to keep seeing it happening and it would. We were so excited that he would get so excited. And you know, eventually he was the one yelling go or high five, or you know, and and kind of finishing the phrase with us, um, and he was really little, like I think four, four and a half is when he um started to speak.
Speaker 1:So it was about four and a half or five when that kind of all took place and it was like magic for us. So you know, we finally were like he's paying, he's with us, he's in this with us, it's not just us. You know him grabbing our hands to open a bag of chips or grabbing our hands to get the refrigerator for water, grab, you know, taking us to this place, taking us to that place, um, it was him really saying ready set, go and doing this like exciting little tiny thing with us. So I think that's a really great, just tangible idea for parents to take that little tiny game and, you know, to start doing that.
Speaker 2:But can I go back? I just want to add one quick thing which is my overarching message. Those are I gave you some sort of specific places we start, which those are still overarching as well but is really to think about prioritizing support over discipline and punishment, because, you know, traditional parenting techniques tend to steer toward discipline, right? We, you know, we try to correct the mistakes, and support feels so much better all the way around and it's so much more effective because support is about teaching them the skills that they're lacking, that is preventing them from being successful in the moment, versus punishment, which is making them feel bad, but it doesn't necessarily teach them the skill that was lacking in the first place.
Speaker 1:So that, I would say, is a big overarching message think that that was a really great lesson to take into the next child's parenting for us, when we kind of realized we, I have an older daughter that's 24, uh, stepdaughter, and so in our middle you know child he was it was a whole new ball game. We had parented her and raised her completely different. But we realized right away that this wasn't like you said, the punishments or consequences for a two-year-old that wasn't even making eye contact or noises or anything like that wasn't going to be the way we should go. Going to be the way we should go. And it does take, I think, a few weeks, months even, to really renegotiate yourself, to renegotiate. Okay, instead of jumping to this conclusion where I'm going to yell at my child, get back here, do whatever. I need to figure out some new ways to communicate with my child. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And one of the struggles parents have sometimes with that is they don't know what to do, like even if they know that the punishment's not working or the yelling to come here, they don't know what to do. And then so it tends to be one extreme or the other, either punishment or letting everything go, and neither of those is effective at teaching the skills right. And then also then they worry am I being permissive? So then they swing all the way back to being strict. So and I get it, because you know, we're not being taught what to do right, we just are. We know what isn't working. We're not being taught what to do right, we just are. We know what isn't working, or we're taught like one technique for one moment. But it's very hard to generalize those, which is what I try to help parents do.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. What type of um regulating do you tell parents to? Oh, I guess everybody has their own types, but there are there any specific exercises like and mental exercises rather not physical that you suggest for parents to start that process?
Speaker 2:Yeah Well, there are two that I that I find effective for a lot of parents. The first is just really interrupting the impulse, really recognizing it, the impulse to yell, for example, or get angry because it feels like it's happening to you. But once you realize that it's just a habit like any other habit, that feels automatic, because that's what habits are, right Things you do automatically without thinking about them. Once you put it into the category of a habit and you just, you know, create the intention to interrupt it when it happens. You know, in the beginning sometimes you don't interrupt it until you're already in the process of it, but over time you realize hold on, I can take a moment, right, sometimes it's a breath, sometimes whatever.
Speaker 2:You know that people do have their own ways of collecting themselves, but the interruption piece is the piece that that helps them, you know, change from one place to the other. And then the second is to support that. You know the breathing's doing the best that they can in this moment. Or he's not doing this on purpose to frustrate me, he's doing it because it's the best he can do in the moment. Whatever the mantra is that works for you that can help in that moment, like interruption, plus mantra can help bring you back to regulation.
Speaker 1:I love that. I think I I did that with our the little one taught myself not how to, how to not yell anymore by challenging myself just the way you said, interrupting that habit by telling myself every time you want to yell, you have to yell. I want to yell right now. And it started to sound pretty ridiculous when I would yell out I want to yell right now. And it started to sound pretty ridiculous when I would yell out I want to yell right now. You know, so it was, it was practice, but it it's been like 10 years now that that's been the way it is and I have a hard time remembering what that was like to be that kind of parent. And sometimes I, you know, I find myself like why can't I just like yell something? Now I just have no we can't.
Speaker 2:We're human. We're gonna do things sometimes that we wish we had done better, like that's okay, that's another piece of it. It's like really showing compassion for yourself, because we are human and we're busy humaning and you know so that that's going to happen too. But at the same time, we also want to remember, you know, we're expecting our children to regulate right. When they're having a hard time, it's usually the source of it is a self-regulation issue, right? So we're asking them to self-regulate. These children and as adults, we're saying I can't, I can't self-regulate, it's happening to me and I do. I have compassion for that feeling as well, and there are tools that we can use to change that habit and that pattern.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. We do the deep breathing and that's kind of what we started modeling for DJ when he was really little was deep breathing and taking those deep breaths, trying to help him. He was really little, was deep breathing and taking those deep breaths trying to help him, and I remember one time coming down and hearing him kind of have a little freak out, coming down and then seeing him take some deep breaths on his own and I was so happy that he had, you know, we'd done it for so many years that he was finally practicing that on his own. And those are the types of successes that parents need to know about. That it doesn't happen at the very first time, it doesn't happen the third, fourth, fifth time, but maybe the 37th time. You know, you get to this practice and then, wow, now he knows in his own body that this is something that can help me, can help me and he can start practicing it more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that lesson because I do think sometimes parents give up on things and decide they don't work. Again, I get it, I was there, I was that parent, but you don't want to give up when you're three feet from gold, as they say. Right? So really having people who, like you, who have experienced it, be able to share with parents, like, yeah, I know it feels like it's not working, just stay with it, don't give up Exactly.
Speaker 1:It's really tricky. I find that a lot with. We did diet changes early on with our child. That made a huge difference for us, and I think that that is something that and of course, that's not the subject of this podcast, but I think that that's something also. That's really hard for parents is that they don't stick with it long enough and so they don't see those benefits happen. And we've now been, you know, 12 years into this and we know, we know for a fact the benefits and we see the cause, we see the effect when things go differently, when things happen out of sorts, and then we say, oh gosh, he must've gotten into that cookie or you know, with gluten in it, not in his own cookies or something.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this is such a great example, though, of the complexity because, on the one hand, we're saying, stay with it, because maybe we haven't tried it long enough. On the other hand, sometimes we put our children into some kinds of therapies and things where the professional is saying just stay with it, and you're looking at it, you're saying that's not working, that doesn't feel good, and so it, you know it's, it is complex, because then we're saying, oh, don't stick with that if it doesn't feel good, right. So it's really hard for parents, and I, you know, I, uh, I, I remember that and I it is again what I try to help parents with really developing the inner confidence to know that they're making the best choice that's available in the moment and they're not going to be perfect, and that's okay. But growing that confidence to feel like, yeah, I got this, I'm making the best choice that anyone in my shoes could make right now, exactly.
Speaker 1:And it's really, it's really hard and it feels so isolating, and so I think what you're doing is so important and so wonderful for parents to feel like they can have someone to relate with, feel like they could have someone to count on. So I think that oftentimes we get into situations where it's like we don't see the end, we don't see an option to get out of these emotional situations at the moment, and so it's so nice to have steps to take, someone to talk to at the moment where they can just bring you down or whatever that might be the case. How do your clients reach out to you or something if that, something like that, happens? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:Well, I have a program that's a group program, which has a number of different components. It has an educational component, so I teach them a lot of the strategies in a really direct, accessible way so that they don't have to read 300 books and all of that stuff really condenses the information for them. But we meet twice weekly in a small group and what I love about the group experiences it really does accelerate the learning, because sometimes parents ask questions that you didn't know you had, right. But also every time we answer questions, we're generalizing the learning so that everyone can apply it and that's how we develop. You know the problem solving muscles to. You know to know, like I said in the beginning, what's the issue and what do I do about it. I do also have one-to-one opportunities to speak directly with parents, right, but I love the group format because it's also it's a bonding, like you said. It's very isolating and the parents get to know each other and it's funny after they've graduated I can see them interacting on Facebook and stuff and it's just nice.
Speaker 1:Isn't that a beautiful feeling to to know that you've kind of brought and connected these people with people that they really have needed and can help their whole family. I think if one family member is getting more support than ever before, they will help the rest of their family, feel that you know and be able to join in on that. And I I found in our community building it's been just the same that you know we started with let's build a group just for our neighbors to be a part of, and now it's worldwide and there's like 1600 members and it was just for these four people in this neighborhood. It's like wow, wow, I love it. It just makes my heart so happy to know that not only do like you do, probably in your groups. It's always a safe space, it's always a protected space that we will.
Speaker 1:You know, if somebody doesn't understand something or somebody says something that somebody else gets upset about, we take it as a teaching experience and say, hey, let's talk about you know, the puzzle piece.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about the whatever pieces are here and there. Um, because it's just there's so much um, I think that if you're brand new into like and like I said, you're 10 years ahead of mine. So I can't imagine how much you've seen change over time and kind of the important parts sometimes are fuzzied up with stuff that's unimportant, like logos and things that aren't representative really of a person and the care that they need and the support that they need, and I see this. Do you also see kind of the struggle in the autistic community between the older autistics that are coming and saying, no, this was bad, this was bad, this is you know, and then kind of the change that's happening right now? We're, we don't want the bad stuff, we're trying to change it all. Right, they're trying to to make it all above board. What do you see in that? And since you've been in it longer than than me even, how do you see that change happening and kind of the importance of it?
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, I've seen so much change in the last 20 years and you know, one example of what you're talking about is you know, when my son was first diagnosed, it everybody would correct If you said your child was autistic, they correct him no, he has autism, it's not, you know it, it it's. It doesn't define his identity. And that has, you know, shifted now and autistic people are saying no, it is my identity, I am an autistic person, I don't have autism, right? So that's such a great example of that change over the last 20 years.
Speaker 2:But I think it is so important to listen to the perspectives of autistic people who can share with us what their experiences have been.
Speaker 2:I do think it's also important to. That's why it's so important for you to develop your own confidence as a parent, because it's so important for you to put it through your filter first, right, because there's so many people who are different, so you can't listen to one autistic person and their experience and then conclude that therefore, the whole system is bad because that person had a bad experience, right? So it's, it is about really taking in, really respecting those perspectives and developing your own, you know, understanding, especially about your child, right, it does. It starts with the understanding and I think you know we tend to often and the professionals out there tell us, do this, I don't know that you know this therapy, that thing. So we focus on that first, when the first piece has to be about understanding the child and how our children fit into those models. And I think that's changed a lot too, because, you know, a lot of people knew nothing. So we were very vulnerable to whatever anybody told us because we didn't know and there wasn't a lot of access to information about it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely no. I think that it's so much is available now, yet we're still just learning available now, yet we're still just learning, and it's it seems to be. You know, every week there's new information or new ways we can be supportive or offer support, or don't say this, or, you know, be careful when you say that. So I do think that there, especially for people who have platforms and have the, you know, the ability to bring the conversation to a wider audience, Language is so very important that I need to make sure that I'm always trying to say, you know, what's best, what's relevant, what is acceptable, best, what's relevant, what is acceptable. But I also think that, like you said, it's also based off our own experiences.
Speaker 1:So many times, and when we are speaking based on our own experiences, others might not feel that that's relatable. They might feel like, well, that's not happening for me. You know, my, my kiddo is completely nonverbal or uses an AAC device or, you know, has all these other um skills necessary, or you know, and it it's like you said. I think that, looking at through your own filter, that's a really wonderful advice, because one size doesn't fit all and um, especially in autism, and there's a hundred, I think my son told me this the other day. He's he's my mathematician there's 183 million autistics in the world today, Um, which is, I think I think he said is like one in 33 or it's close to that or something. Um, but you know, once we start realizing that that's 183 million different types of stories, that's like who can really like who's reading that many stories? Um, so we, we have to give give grace and understanding to that, and it also, right there, shows the complexity of all the different types of of personalities and skills and everything that that comes with it.
Speaker 2:So absolutely, and what I would add, though, is that I totally agree it's 183 million different stories, but I would encourage parents to look for similarities to what you're hearing, what you're looking at, rather than differences, because I do. You know, I talk to a lot of parents who are like oh, but my child is different. That will never work for my child, and I understand that again, when my child was growing up, he was different. It would never. So I'm not saying I don't understand where that comes from, I 100% do, but is it useful in you learning to get the support and understanding that you need to help your child? It's not. If we're always saying, like that won't work, that won't work because my child's different, it's not going to help you get the tools that you need. So try to keep an open mind right Back to that conversation, right To the things that might be the same, that might be close, things that we might be able to generalize, that you might be able to generalize to your own child. I love that.
Speaker 1:I think that that's so true, and over the last couple of years, I've been hosting autism events where I invite autistics to come and share their stories, and the amount of people who reach out and say, yes, you know, this was something put me in touch with this person, because that was like the journey that that I've been on, or the you know how do I reach that type of a therapy and how do I get into play therapy, for example, and you know, floor time. There's so many different new opportunities that are available out there for people, and so I love that. You said that it is best to find somebody that you can relate to, and even in a tiered process, you know, find someone like yourself who's been in the game 10 years longer, find somebody on your same level, and then find somebody who's brand new, starting out, who you can mentor. And then there's this tiered process of mentorship going on where Andrea, I need help. You know he's 14.
Speaker 1:What's happening right now? Right, kind of a thing. You've been there, you've done that. Help me out. So I think that it's it's so important for us as parents, to find relatable people, and I'm so lucky that I got this to meet all of these people to gather all of this information and opinions, luckier than most moms probably out there that don't have this available to them, because it's such a source for me to gather information and, like you said, try things, try new things and maybe take out some things that it isn't working, or people say, no, that didn't work for us. Okay, well, we'll stop trying so hard.
Speaker 2:Or try something that maybe you tried before. That didn't work because your child's different. Now, like I guess I'm just also encouraging people Like, if you find yourself saying no, no, no, that won't work because of this, like catch yourself and say, okay, hold on timeout, Maybe I can you know, try something that feels like it might be close, even if I'm not sure. And then also believing something might help is so useful also, like stay open-minded to believing it could, because when you decide something's not going to work, you're right yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know, I was just a memory popped into my mind of my husband and I sitting down and doing like a brainstorming with like the bubble, and you put the idea in the middle and then the little arms off and you put the little ideas out. And there's oftentimes where we find a lot of strength or you know, yes, we can try that, that's something new we can do, and we we can go back and see things that we have tried and didn't work. Or, like you said, now that he's a totally different person now than he was when he was six or seven, um, and he's so much more independent and capable of so much more now. And so, yeah, maybe we need to go back and revisit some of those fun ideas to see what might work, now that he, you know, would like to and and trying to keep it in line with the interests. I love that because that will help your child stay motivated when you find their interests and things like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and keeping it in line with you know what they're able to do right now, right? So sometimes you find something that is in alignment with their interests, but it's just too far above their skill level at that moment, or social, whatever it is. And that doesn't mean it's a failure, it just means we have to look at the parts that work, focus on those and build up to uh, you know, to the complete picture, Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Oh, there's so much to still learn. So much to you know, be done so much work to to watch, um, others that will come, you know, others that will come, you know, after us to lead this charge and keep moving forward with all of the parenting, coaching and therapies and education for so much legislation. We need so much education for all of these things. What is maybe, before we go, kind of a takeaway for parents that they can say OK, this is the one thing I'm going to try today.
Speaker 2:I think the the single most important thing, which I did mention, but is catch yourself. If you're trying to use discipline and punishment, catch yourself and say is this helping my child build the skill to make a different choice? And what I mean by that also is so sometimes a child will do something and a parent will discipline because they're like I know he can do that, he did it before Maybe, but what was stopping that child from doing it in the moment, right? Usually a child's you know, unwanted behavior, let's call it it's stemming from an inability to make a better decision in the moment, right. So if we start with a compassion, what support is my child needing instead of what punishment can I give to make him do better? To me, that would be the single thing. Just catch yourself and be nice to yourself because you're going to yell, that's okay if that's your habit, but then say, oh wait, hold on. Let me reflect on that situation. What could I do differently next time?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. I love that. I think that it's important for every parent out there to know that, whatever part of parenting you're in, as long as you're doing it with meaningful intention and looking out for number one yourself, because you're not going to be a good parent if you're not looking out for yourself first and then looking out for your child. Just like on the airplane, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, right, and then your child, and really staying focused in your intentions of parenting. I think that that's an important piece to remind everyone. It's been so wonderful to have you here today, Andrea. I hope that we can get together and have some off-camera discussions and talk about. I would love that.
Speaker 2:Let's do that for sure.
Speaker 1:Sounds like we have a lot to go over and ideas we could, you know, collaborate with. I love that. Where can everyone go to find out more about you, to support you on social media, where all the good places are?
Speaker 2:Okay, great, thank you for asking. So my website is autismparentsolutionscom and there are a variety of resources there and information about me and my program. I have a Facebook group that's Autism Parent Solutions Community, which I would love to have you join, and those are the main ones. If you think parent coaching is for me, I want to do this. You can reach out to me directly by email, andrea, at autismparentsolutionscom, right.
Speaker 1:That's a theme here.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we can, you know, we can talk over email and then put a call on the calendar if we think it's going to, you know, be a good fit for both of us. So, yeah, oh.
Speaker 1:I love that. Well, thank you so much for your time today, for sharing and, yeah, I hope that everybody goes and there are a lot of groups and communities, so if you have a chance to join them, please do they make so much of a difference to yourself, your family and to the other community members who you might be able, you know, to share with and to have that relatability. So wonderful, absolutely. Thank you so much for your time today. It's been such a pleasure, yeah.
