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THE SJ CHILDS SHOW
Looking for an inspiring podcast on education and parenting? Check out "The SJ Childs Show," ranked in the top 10% of podcasts globally. It covers diverse topics, including neurodiversity and inclusion, featuring interviews with experts and thought-provoking discussions. This show aims to challenge your beliefs and enhance your skills as a parent, educator, and global citizen. Tune in for unique insights and perspectives!
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THE SJ CHILDS SHOW
Episode 286-Transforming Conflict: Raising Neurodiverse Children and Navigating Digital Era Parenting with Kat Newport
Ever wondered how to turn everyday conflicts into opportunities for growth and understanding? Join us as we sit down with Kat Newport, a seasoned conflict management expert and mother of four, to unpack her transformative journey from the corporate world to raising three neurodiverse children. Kat's personal story is a testament to the power of evolving conflict resolution skills, and in this episode, she contrasts her early parenting struggles with her 28-year-old daughter to her more refined techniques with her nine-year-old. We'll also explore how she navigates her relationship with her eldest daughter, who is now a mother herself, offering invaluable insights into multigenerational conflict resolution.
In today's digital era, parenting teenagers comes with its own set of challenges, which Kat expertly addresses. We explore the implications of technology on communication and conflict resolution among teens, highlighting the nuances often lost in text-based interactions. Kat shares practical advice from her book "Smart Conflict," available on Amazon and her website, and directs listeners to a wealth of resources on her social media platforms. This episode is packed with actionable tips and heartfelt reflections, aiming to equip you with the skills to foster more harmonious relationships both at home and in the workplace. Don't miss out on this enlightening conversation!
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Welcome to the SJ Child Show, where a little bit of knowledge can turn fear into understanding. Enjoy the show. Hello and thank you for joining the SJ Child Show today. I have a guest joining me from my neighbor to the north. I'm from Canada and I'm really excited to have her here today. Kat Newport, thank you so much for joining me.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me, Sarah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's going to be a really great conversation right up both of our alleys talking about neurodiversity, and I'd just love to hear more about you and learn how we can support and honor what you're doing in the community. So please tell us a little bit about yourself and kind of what got you started in this.
Speaker 2:Gotcha. So I am a mother of four children, three of whom are neuro spicy, won the lottery there. So three of whom NeuroSpicy. I have two grandkids, so lots of experience in in that realm.
Speaker 2:But my journey with conflict actually started in the corporate world. I was really young when I got into corporate. I was only 19, just a baby myself, looking back, my gosh. So I and I really didn't have the skills to manage conflict in the workplace. So it became a bit of a passion project for me over the years to figure out how to do this.
Speaker 2:And then, as I moved up in my career, I started working with organizational development, which is training other folks, and I found that conflict was a mystery to most of us and we all had these narratives from our past that okay. So these are the habits I've built up over the years of how to deal with conflict, and some of them were good respects, some of them were really great and some of them really sucked. So it became a process to to try and teach folks and help folks learn how to manage conflict so that their work life was a little bit more calm and chill, and then it translated into their home lives as well. So keeping in contact with those co-workers and clients, and this is completely translatable and in my experience with my own children, I have them ranging in ages from 28 to nine.
Speaker 1:Um, so just oops we have 24 to 12.
Speaker 2:So hey um, so it was. You know, teaching conflict when I was a young mother to my 28 year old versus teaching conflict to my nine year old. Conflict when I was a young mother to my 28 year old versus teaching conflict to my nine year old Hugely different and how they interact with people and how empathetic they are and respect my oldest. But as I evolved I was more able to teach these skills and the way they relate to other people is so different and so much more refined.
Speaker 1:I find in the the nine-year-old than when I didn't have the skills to teach my 28-year-old. Yeah, isn't that the truth? I mean, even being all I love that we have those things in common, and I just became a grandma a couple weeks ago for my first time, so thank you. Yeah, I have a stepdaughter who's 24. And then my two bio kids are 14 and 12. So I completely get that gap in age, raising kids and everything. What do you find as far as and of course, everybody's going to be unique and individual as their own people themselves, but what do you find for your oldest? Does she, is she glad that you are now in a place where you are kind of being able to do this, or does she have resentments towards anything in that manner? Only because I think mine does have that situation, and so I'm kind of interested to how did that look for you?
Speaker 2:So what she's finding? Because she's a fairly new mom. My oldest grandchild is not even three yet. He'll be three in July and you know she's just had another one. He's under six months old. So she's starting to walk that journey of motherhood and she's like, oh my gosh, now I know why you did Very satisfying as a parent going okay, I wasn't totally crazy. And she's seeing how I've dealt with her brothers over over the years and again, the first two are fairly close together. Then there's a 10 year gap. Then there's a 10 year gap. So just seeing how that relationship has evolved and how I've evolved as a parent, I can see that coming out with her. So she's like mommy, how do I deal with this Mama? How do I do this Mama? What do you suggest? So there's definitely a closer relationship as she's become a mother and looking for that guidance. So I wouldn't say there's resentment, but there is recognition that there is an evolution in parenting.
Speaker 1:Good and I, like I said, it's so individual and you know there's all there's different struggles that have occurred, and so I think that that's where some of the stuff comes from. And I think when you are a mixed family and you go between families and they have different values, it's kind of hard to sometimes know where your values lie and how to create them for yourselves. And so her journey will, like you said, start now to kind of start creating that for her own family. Um importance and see the value in creating better um just knowledge. When you know better, you do better. Right, overall, you should be doing that um. And so, yeah, but I do see how what a difference it's made in um my own parenting of you, my own two and the youngest, how it's almost like let's try to do everything differently than we did before you know, and yeah, I think it's had like its own success and its own failures, which I think just parenting in general.
Speaker 1:You can't be a perfect mom, but you can. There's a million ways to be a good one. I just posted that the other day. I love that. Isn't that the truth? Because we just really show up with what we have. And how do you start to teach conflict resolution and what do you think is like a good age to start teaching about that?
Speaker 2:So teaching conflict resolution starts from the minute they start watching you manage conflict so pretty early. So how you manage conflict is going to inform the narratives that your kids eventually carry forward. So it's definitely not do as I say, not as I do, it's definitely they're going to do as you do. So if you're a bit of a hot reactor, you know you get really upset and then you raise your voice, anticipate that coming back at you in some form. We're all parents, we've all experienced that. And we're all parents, we've all experienced that.
Speaker 2:So I use this smart model for teaching conflict to adults, but it's totally transferable into children because it's self-reflective. It's how are you showing up, how are you feeling? Take that body scan, what are you thinking and how do you want to move forward with that. So definitely using that smart model and teaching those skills early on is going to save a lot of problems for you as a parent. But as that child goes on in life and gets into the workplace I mean I've come across, I'm a mediator as well and gets into the workplace, I mean I've come across, I'm a mediator as well. I've come across so many unhealthy conflicts and conflict coping skills that you know where do we have that disconnect? So if you can build that in before they even launch into university or trades or what have you, they're going to be more successful and a lot more self composed and a lot less stress stress ridden.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know, I think for my family I think it's important to look at, you know, kind of tangible like what do we do, Like what does that mean? And I think for us I can see in patterns in the past where they were a little bit more. I love that. You said a hot reactor, that's a great way to put it and I realized, you know, especially with my nonverbal kiddo, that there was no amount of raising voices or any sort of any of that that was going to make any kind of difference and or benefit this child's growth and development in any way. And it was he's my first biological child, our second, you know, and so it was kind of like, oh okay, wait, what are we doing? We need to, we need to learn something new and in those skills, you know, like you said, we were able to grow and learn and then we really were able, with the youngest, to access those conversations. Rather than explosive behaviors and explosive conversations, they were just really meaningful conversations and we started to see, well, this is so nice, we want to set this up for this human being to be able to understand that no amount of yelling at people really has results, not positive ones and really, yeah, nothing much comes of it. But when you get to the root of things, when you are able to really look at things and break them down, and accountability right, I think that's a big part of it is that accountability piece for everyone, not just the one individual who you know as a parent, the child who might have made a mistake and you know, but you, I think, right then and there also need to be accountable for your behavior and your actions when you're in those conversations with your child.
Speaker 1:And I love how you said it does no-transcript. I know I've been the victim of some pretty mean paralegals and executive secretaries that have just really put their on me and so and I'm kind of a pushover, so you know the one of those soft people that gets a lot of work done. But you know, I wish back then I would have understood how to even comprehend or even start a conversation about any of that. I didn't know, like you said, as an early 20 year old, how to even not just crawl under my desk and hide. Yep. So while we're kind of walking in this journey, what are some self-practices we can start to make to help us kind of get to a place where we can be better conflict resolutioners absolutely so.
Speaker 2:I love the five steps of smart. So smart. Conflict again talked about it being self-reflective. So the first step is really understanding the situation. So that's where the S comes in. This is really more than well, sarah, you made me angry. There's a lot more to the situation than that. And really getting to the core of it. Why are you upset? I'm upset because this didn't work. Well, why does that make you upset? Because that didn't work. So really focusing on that event or that situation that's causing that conflict or difference of perspective Go beyond the obvious.
Speaker 2:The next one is M, which is measuring those emotions. We need to have those self-soothing techniques. It's not your job to make me feel better if I'm angry. It's my job to make me feel better when I'm angry. So we need to start teaching those self-soothing techniques fairly early on and give people permission to hit the pause button. If I'm too upset either crying or really sad and then going nonverbal or getting really angry and not able to articulate my thoughts I've got to be allowed to hit the pause button as opposed to no, you're going to sit here and you're going to talk to me till we hash this out. Going to sit here and you're going to talk to me till we hash this out. That's not going to help. So really that that that pause button until it's time that those emotions have calmed down or soothed a little bit, we're no longer in that hot reaction or that burdened backpack state and we can move forward positively.
Speaker 2:A how do you want this to look when it's over? What's the agenda? And this is not the bad agenda, this is like a mending agenda that I would really like to see this problem solved this way. And we're talking high executive function here. So this is about teaching children. So what do you want to happen when you have this conversation with your friend? Do you want to go back out and play with them or do you not want to play with them today? You know, having that conversation and giving them the choice on how they want the problem to be solved. And this is the primary skill set you're going to need for, eventually, negotiation in a corporate environment or a work world, or when you want to get your car fixed and you got to negotiate with mechanic, right, you know all sorts of places.
Speaker 2:So that's the A? R is the core of it. All this is relationships. Conflict is relational. If you weren't in a relationship with anybody, you wouldn't have a conflict. And relationships are deep, like you have with your kids, or they're superficial, like you have with your mechanic, so it's all relational. So what do you want that relationship to look like after the conflict is over? If I drop my basket here and scream at my kid, what does my relationship look like after? So look at that relationship and the T is the easiest the time and place. Look at that relationship and the T is the easiest the time and place. Hit that pause button.
Speaker 2:Do you need some privacy? Is this in front of the siblings? Is this in front of their classmates or on the playground? Get some privacy so the ego's not involved. It helps take a little bit of that edge off that emotions. Is it bedtime? I know I don't make some great decisions when I'm cranky. Are we hungry? When I'm hangry? It's not a good thing. It's not a good thing. You know. I think it was the Gottmans that said you know, don't go to bed angry has ended more marriages than it has actually saved. You've got to be in that right frame of mind to have that conversation. So use smart, get smart with kids. Yeah, you can use those smart steps to start building those skills. Age appropriate, of course, because there's different increments. But I look at my nine-year-old now and man, he's going to be a UN negotiator by the end of this. He's doing things that his sister wasn't doing at 16. When he turns 16, I'm in so much trouble. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Isn't that the truth too? These younger ones, you know there's not enough to be said for the era of information that they're in and the exposure of it and the we couldn't possibly understand the amount of processing that their brains do on a daily basis with all the information they're being fed, and it's such short increments I don't know that my valuable information can actually be shared or saved in that amount of time, I don't know, maybe.
Speaker 1:So Maybe they found some data that can show me that. But I think that it's also we almost have to follow once in a while, and maybe not in conflicts, because we have way more experience than they do there, but in learning and in understanding, like, okay, well, what tools are you using, like how can we kind of use those same tools with you to help negotiate this, because a lot of conflicts are probably happening via text these days, and how can we really understand or even help in that situation? How can we help a child learn how to correctly communicate in a communication form that we're not used to using?
Speaker 2:When we're talking about conflict, I want to drag it back to the point that conflict is relational Right and relationships. Yes, we're going more digital. I mean we're sitting here in two different countries talking to one another.
Speaker 2:Relationships do go digital, but when we're dealing with texts or emails or voicemail messages, we're losing a lot of the communication that goes along with it, particularly in emotionally heated discussions. Particularly in emotionally heated discussions. So when we're dealing with conflict and I send you a text saying I'm really mad at you because of this, you're not going to get my emotions and my tone of voice. You're not going to get my inflections. You're going to read it with your tone of voice and your inflections. So if you have a really good headspace for me right now, it's like oh, I really want to be friends with Kat, I really want to work this out. You're going to read it one way. If you're really angry with me, you're going to read it a different way, with a different tone of voice. They understand that firing off a text may create a little more drama than they're expecting, that the best of intentions across a text or the best of intentions in an email are going to be one thing, but how it's received is completely different. So those difficult conversations need to be had face-to-face as best as possible video-to-video, to get that nuance in it. One other thing I'd like to kind of tack on to the end of that.
Speaker 2:You were talking about social media and getting those messages in, and when I started my passion project with conflict, I started seeing a lot of messaging on social media that showed very unhealthy conflict styles the road rage videos, the videos of I'm going to go bug my partner you know I'm going to go start a conflict with my partner because I'm bored. These are really unhelpful conflict messages and unfortunately it's the logarithm, the algorithm, that picks it up and throws it in front of you again and again and again and again. So one thing we need to do as parents is really reinforce that message that if you're looking for good conflict information on how to handle conflict well, you're going to want to. I'm not interested in this, you know. Just get that one off the algorithm and start looking at those healthy conflict things, and that takes time to teach the computer what you want to see, right, to teach that logarithm.
Speaker 1:So feed your feed. That's what I say, yes.
Speaker 2:So there's two parts to this making sure that we understand that it is relational, and technology takes some of that relationship out of it. So really understand what you want out of that relationship and be careful of the messages you're eating about conflict, because that can really skew your view on what conflict should be that have their own independent, autonomy, everything.
Speaker 1:How do we kind of keep them in check with checking in with their emotions, checking in and not going um or not being maybe victim to their emotions? How do we help our teenagers?
Speaker 2:So this is, this is about keeping that conversation open and keeping that safe space. So we're we're talking about a linear kind of conflict here and we always talk about conflict resolution, which is the middle step. We never really talk about conflict mitigation and uh, and conflict restoration, because we're talking about a relationship. So what's your relationship like? That's keeping you out of conflict with your teenager, then how you deal with the conflict in the moment and then how are you restoring that relationship with your teenager after you have that difference of perspective? So we really have to think of this on a relational level. So we really have to think of this on a relational level, not just the flashpoint. So are you a safe person for this individual, for your teenager to come to? Are you opening the door to communication? Do you know how to deal with some of the more difficult conflict types, those who go silent?
Speaker 2:I had a silent one. I think that was the hardest one for me. I could deal with the yelling. I couldn't deal with the burden backpack where they would just shut down. Right, making sure that you leave space for them, that you leave it open, that you don't drop the conversation just because they shut down. You know, really understanding these different styles. Are they a hot reactor? How do we put that into space? You know, are we having a conversation here, or or what are we doing? You know, are you trying to hurt me? Are we trying to solve the problem? You know, really highlighting the behaviors, but in a empathetic and loving way. I mean, I'm a Gen Xer, you know I'm. I'm the, the, the. You know, stop your crying or I'll give you a reason to cry. You want a burdened backpack and somebody who doesn't know how to deal with their emotions. You know there's been a lot of processing over the years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:As parents, we really have to teach that you know, okay, you're upset, you're crying.
Speaker 2:How can I support you in this moment? Do you need space? Do you need a cuddle? How do upset you're crying? How can I support you in this moment? Do you need space? Do you need a cuddle? How do you? You know what do you need? Do you need it? What do you need? And moving forward but never letting the topic drop, and that's another challenge. I see a lot when we come to conflict conversations is that, okay, you're yelling at me, I'm out, you know you, do you. And we never really get back to that conversation. We never really get back to that conflict and resolve it. So we end up carrying around this big bag of unresolved conflict because we don't want to rock the boat, because we don't want to make them upset, because we want to be the good parent, because we you know all these reasons. So what's your relationship like? And think mitigation, resolution, restoration.
Speaker 1:I love that. You know, just recently we had kind of that same thing where the child just shut down and there was no space, there was no communication happening, and it wasn't until later that, you know, my husband and I were talking about it and he kind of questioned, you know, if we would have kept going, maybe it wouldn't have been meaningful. Maybe the reason that they're not discussing it is because they want to have a meaningful, um, something to say afterwards and in that moment they were just being force fed information and feeling like they were going to force spit it out and it wasn't conductive to or, you know, productive to the situation. It was more maybe still in that pause space instead of, you know, taking it off and letting it go. So I really like that you said that and I like that he recognized that maybe if it came at the time that they were wanting to talk about it, it would be meaningful for them and that would be more of a progress and a successful kind of like restoration.
Speaker 1:I like that you said mitigation and restoration, because those things are true, those things aren't as looked at, as the actual talking about parts. So it's so important that we try to learn all of these things to help all of our relationships, because, truly, I don't know that there is a relationship that hasn't had a conflict and if not, then I don't know that you really care for that person. I think you know just and of course we have. You know our friends and our family and our work. Can you know people and all of these different levels of relationships that we need to have? Do we also need to have different levels of conflict? Or, like you said, can it just be kind of unilaterally used with everyone?
Speaker 2:So when we're talking about relationships, we want to look at the depth and depending on the closeness, the depth and the amount of time you spend with somebody changes how conflict's going to impact you. So if you get the wrong coffee from the barista, that's a conflict. You're having a conflict. I need the right coffee. I really need my almond mocha this morning, thank you, but it's very easy to go up to the barista and say you gave me the wrong drink, can you please replace it? There's not a huge emotional load here. We don't usually even classify this as a conflict, but it's a classic conflict when we start getting into conflicts at work.
Speaker 2:You spend 40 hours a week around these people. They're not deep relationships. They may be, but they're not typically deep relationships. But just the sheer amount of time that you have to look at their faces causes a larger emotional impact. So how you handle those conflicts becomes a little bit more important than with the barista. You've really got to understand that situation. You've really got to understand what that relationship needs to look like.
Speaker 2:I'm going to spend the next 38 hours together with this person. If we have a conflict on Monday morning, you know. So how do you want that week to go and then we get into family. We may not see them as much as we see co-workers, but these are deep, vulnerable relationships. So how do you want that to look, really understanding that situation, focusing on that time and place, really investing a lot of empathy and emotion into it? And I love talking about the idea of winning and losing when it comes to these more intimate relationships. And the key here is do you want to win this argument or do you want to have a good relationship with your child? And I said so if you're going in because you want to win, be prepared to lose something on the relationship front. You're going to lose somewhere else. Conflict is about building a relationship and moving forward. It is not about winning and losing.
Speaker 1:I love that you said that. So important for so many, and especially for parents that might not know how to start. Like, look at that. I think that that's a beautiful relationship kind of mantra, if you will, to look at and to decide do you want to win or do you want to lose? I like that a lot. I'm going to tell my husband so he can tell his co-workers about that. I'm going to tell my husband he can tell his coworkers about that.
Speaker 2:I think he goes and and kind of is like the Gandhi of all the people he brings all the.
Speaker 1:they all sit and listen. Okay, what should we do? So, yeah, good on him for for doing that. Um, what kind of support do you offer as far as um through like workshops or individual coaching? What does that look like?
Speaker 2:so I do a few things, all related to conflict and relationships. So I do do one-on-one coaching. So if you are a little bit muddled on what the next steps are and how to, to to apply smart to yourself before you engage in relationships and conflicts in your relationships, so that one-on-one coaching can help you unpack either in general or specific challenges. Coaching can help you unpack either in general or specific challenges. I do offer workshops for corporations to build a common language around conflict. When we're talking about different things, when we talk about conflict and you think of it one way and I think of it another, we're already behind. So these workshops give you the base, the language, the skill set and then we can do team coaching and individual coaching to help apply those into the workplace.
Speaker 2:I also offer mediation, predominantly with estate matters, but I also do other things. So dealing with families pre and post bereavement about how to manage that estate, how to deal with the huge emotions that go along with that. Throwing money on it is like throwing fuel on a fire. And, of course, these long standing relationships that do finally come to a head when there's this huge transition that comes in life. So I do that as well. So lots of things.
Speaker 1:Definitely lots of things. And where can we go to find out more about you and support you? Do you have a website and social medias all the good stuff all the good stuff.
Speaker 2:So the website is wwwsmartconflictbookcom. You can get that book on amazon as well, but the website wwwsmartconflictbookcom. I'm really busy on linkedin so you can catch tips, tricks, hints and additional information on my LinkedIn. I'm also on Instagram not so much I'm still a little shaky on the platform as well as Facebook and I do have a YouTube channel and all of those you can find me under Kat Newport.
Speaker 1:Wonderful. Oh, thank you so, so much. I'm really excited to go check out your website and your YouTube and get on there and just share the information. I know that it's definitely a topic that everyone needs to have some more skill sets in, so we appreciate you sharing how to be a better conflict resolutioner and manager and all of the things. So, yeah, wonderful, and thank you so much for your time today and willingness to come and share.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for the opportunity, Sarah. I appreciate it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
