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THE SJ CHILDS SHOW-Advocating for Autistics, One Story at a Time
🎙️ Welcome to The SJ Childs Show Podcast! 🎉
Join Sara Bradford—better known as SJ Childs—as she bridges understanding and advocacy for the neurodivergent community. This podcast shines a light on autism awareness, empowering stories, expert insights, and practical resources for parents, educators, and individuals alike.
Brought to you by The SJ Childs Global Network, a nonprofit dedicated to supporting autistic individuals and their families worldwide, this show is your weekly dose of inspiration and actionable ideas. Visit sjchilds.org to learn more about our mission, find resources, and connect with our growing community.
Catch us on platforms like Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and Goodpods—or tune in Fridays at 8:30 AM EDT on the Helium Radio Network’s Life Improvement Radio (Channel 1). Together, let’s foster a brighter, more inclusive world! 🌟
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THE SJ CHILDS SHOW-Advocating for Autistics, One Story at a Time
Episode 298-Navigating Divorce: Special Needs, Self-Care, and Support for Families with Mary Ann Hughes
Facing the complexities of divorce is challenging enough, but when special needs are involved, the journey can feel even more daunting. Join us as we explore this sensitive topic with Mary Ann, a special needs divorce coach who has not only lived through the experience but has dedicated her career to helping others navigate these turbulent waters. Through her work with Special Family Transitions, Mary Ann offers invaluable insights into managing the emotional and logistical hurdles of divorce, especially for families with children on the autism spectrum. We discuss the high divorce rates in these communities and the urgent need for resources that prioritize the well-being of children, while also fostering effective communication between all parties involved.
Throughout our candid conversation, we emphasize the critical role self-care plays in maintaining emotional balance during a divorce. Mary Ann shares practical strategies like exercise and gratitude to mitigate stress, along with the importance of treating interactions with an ex-spouse professionally to encourage amicable resolutions. Looking ahead, Mary Ann reveals her plans to launch a private Facebook group in 2025, designed to offer a supportive community for families facing similar challenges. This episode isn't just a guide through the storm; it's an empowering toolkit, providing listeners with the understanding and support needed to focus on positive outcomes during one of life's most difficult transitions.
Hi and thanks for joining the SG Child Show today. I'm so excited for this conversation. First off, I absolutely was so thrilled to find someone like Marianne that was out there doing this amazing work that I hadn't seen before. So that's exciting because we all want to, you know, find something that maybe we hadn't thought could help in a situation or an area of families lives in something that is a very vulnerable and hard time for families to go through, the time where they need the most support, and that is divorce. And so we're going to touch on some of these subjects today, so they might be sensitive. Or, you know, get your Kleenex boxes just in case, because I should have brought mine, in fact, because I know I'm probably going to cry a little bit, but that's okay. You know, the great part about it is really focusing and highlighting the service that she's providing for these families and, through this, the delicate times that they're going through. So, marianne, it's such a pleasure to have you here. I'm so, so excited to talk to you.
Speaker 2:Thanks, sarah, so excited to be here. Thanks for inviting me on your show.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and you know you were part of the one in 36 mix too, and I'm so glad that we connected and you were able to share what you do in that summit, because I know that it brought a lot of attention for people who, even people who reached out to me and said, hey, could I, you know, find somebody that could help me, and so I was able to recommend. So thank you so much. Tell us a little bit about yourself and kind of what brought you to the destination.
Speaker 2:Sure. So I'm a mom of two now young adults on opposite ends of the autism spectrum. They're now in their early twenties, and several years ago I faced an unexpected divorce, and so I had to figure out how to navigate that but also how to take care of my kids, and in the process I learned so much. I learned that there weren't many resources out there to help, but I did do the legwork. I had to get a team of people. I had to educate them, educate myself, and so I thought it was kind of silly, for the high divorce rate that we have among families with different abilities, that there's not more help and we shouldn't have to recreate the wheel every time somebody goes through this. So I decided I'm going to take my knowledge and get more knowledge and I started Special Family Transitions my first time having my own company and became a special needs divorce coach. So since then I've got all kinds of certifications.
Speaker 2:I'm a thought leader in the field, but I'm real proud of the work I do because, like you said, it's a difficult time for people. It's something that no one plans for or wishes for, but sometimes it happens, and the reality is it happens a lot about 80% of families with some kind of autism diagnosis or special needs or whatever go through a difficult life transition. Sometimes they work it out and a lot of times they don't. But the important thing is is how do we get through that process in a way that puts the kids first, also respects ourselves in the process and and end up with good results and outcome for the future for all of us?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and do you offer this coaching online as well as in person?
Speaker 2:you offer this coaching online as well as in person? I do. I do. I'm based in Houston, but a lot of my clients are all over the country and different parts of the world as well. So, yeah, I'm happy to do sessions on Zoom. Even the ones locally like to do it online as well. I'm happy to do it face-to-face on Zoom, or some people like the privacy of doing it on the phone. That way they don't have to show their face. So, either way, I'm happy to do it. I'm happy to support people, no matter where they are in the process just thinking about it initially, going through it or even after divorce how to handle some co-parenting type challenges, how to support the kids in the future, help them cope with what's happening. I'm not a mental health professional, I'm not a legal professional, but I try to take kind of best practice from what I've learned and learn about your people's situation and help them come up with some good ways to go forward that?
Speaker 1:what do you call them Spouses it should take to initiate with their kids, and you know, I guess you really have to be cognizant of the age group and the ability to comprehend the information. What do you suggest is the best way for someone to start that process?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I would say, do it gradually, don't spring it onto the surprise. I just had to email this morning from somebody who attended one of my webinars presentations I did recently, and she was having a hard time because she just got served. Somebody came to the door and it was a shock to her and her young adult son that was home, who was on the spectrum, and so they're trying to cope with that and deal with that. So, in addition to all the things you go through, all the feelings you have to figure out, okay, you know how do I act as a role model to my son? We don't want to bad mouth anybody, we don't want to distance the child from either parent, but you know, I would suggest, if you're thinking about this or you know this is kind of on the horizon, don't spring it on the other side. Do it in a manner that's respectful to everybody involved. Just, you know, say this isn't, you know, working out. We tried. I mean definitely try. If it's not going to work out, it's not going to work out. And there's no, there's no shame in that.
Speaker 2:It used to kind of be seen as a taboo, but so many families go through this and it is better for a child to be in two separate homes than one where there's a lot of conflict and then issues arise from there. So don't feel like you can't get divorced because you're trying to do what's best for your child. Then issues arise from there. So don't feel like you can't get divorced because you're trying to do what's best for your child. A lot of times it's not the best situation for them to be in a home where there's a lot of conflict and anxiety, and then that will then transfer to the child too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's the truth. This is a tough question. How honest do you think parents need to be with their child or children about the details or reasons and at some point, if they decide maybe they're too young to have all the information, is it appropriate or necessary for them to be forthcoming for any in the future? What do you think about that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so definitely, like you said, it's going to be age appropriate, but you never want to share the intimate personal, private details about the split to the child. It's not laid their place. You know, that's more for a coach, for you to share, that for your attorney and for trusted adult individuals. So, even if your child is an adult, it's not something that we want to share necessarily. What we want to do with the kids, whether they're young or older and depending on their level, we want to handle it differently is to let them know this is the situation Both parents don't care about you and love you and want to support you, but things are going to look different. So one way I approach it for my family when I was facing it, because I couldn't really find people to help me explain it to my kids. So I created a social story and that's what I use in a very positive fashion, positive tone, to explain what was happening, what they could expect. I called it what's happening to my family, because that's really what the kids want to know is you know, where am I going to live, when am I going to see each parent, where am I going to go to school and what is my life going to look like. Because you know, as we know, a lot of people on the spectrum like predictability and don't like change sometimes. So we want to kind of help with that transition, to do like I said, in a gradual manner, be supportive in that.
Speaker 2:But they don't have to see the messy side of divorce. That's not our role. We should shield them. Sometimes we think maybe if a child is nonverbal and we're having conversations, maybe they won't understand, but they can understand Even if they can't speak. They can usually understand what we're saying. If they don't understand the words, they may understand the tone and gestures and so on. So we want to shield the kids from that because we don't want to create even more anxiety and issues for them that they may face as they go through this too.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. What do you think about sharing the information with, like the schools, or with your employers? Where do you need to be, you know, draw the line or be forthcoming with that. If you're going through something probably rough, I would expect you might want to give them more information right, I mean yeah.
Speaker 2:So definitely you don't want to spill everything to your parties, like a school or your employer, if it's some, like you, details that maybe shouldn't be shared or that should be more private, but not to say that divorce needs to be private.
Speaker 2:We want to inform the schools and the teachers and the village that we're working with that are helping our kids, to let them know what's happening, so if they see some behaviors and some things that seem unusual to them, they can attribute it to oh, because of the divorce, not to just say someone's being lazy or aggressive or sad for no reason.
Speaker 2:This way, they have a reason and a context and hopefully they can provide support as well at school, and so for your employer as well. You know it may take some energy and some time to get through the process and make phone calls, and you may not be your best self every day as you're dealing with some of the challenges and emotions that you're going through, and so you want to let the employer know that you're going through this. You want to get your work done and you will maybe work as as need be, maybe after hours, because you may have some appointments that you have to attend to, but but once again you want to let them know kind of what's going on to a certain degree, so that they be seem a little bit off, I guess, compared to usual.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree completely. I think it's important to remain understanding that you do live in a community and the more you kind of lean into the community, the better. That that can help you get through some of these really tough times, especially through divorce and custody. What about when it comes to custody plans and things like that? Do you help them lay out plans for timing and scheduling?
Speaker 2:Right. So when you have a child with any kind of disability, you have some flexibility and you do for any kind of divorce as well. But figure out what's going to be best for that child. Is it going to be like a standard formula and possession schedule or maybe something that's more tailored to you and your needs and what's best for your child? So you know, a lot of kids I mentioned with autism don't like a lot of transitions, so one where you're spending, you know, every other day or a couple of days with mom and dad and switch back and forth.
Speaker 2:That may not be the best solution for you. It may be. If someone's been a caregiver for that child, maybe they spend more time or time during the week and maybe the other parent, who maybe is out working hard for the family to continue supporting the child financially, maybe they have different times because of their demands on their schedule. And if parents work, then you've got to find a solution that is going to work as well. But yeah, there's always approaches, so don't yeah kind of think can I put the child first? As you're going through this process, you know how can we arrange our schedules and make agreements and get through this process, so that we put the child first and what's going to benefit them now and in the future?
Speaker 1:Absolutely, yeah, it's so hard. Every family is different and obviously every marriage and relationship is so very different too. Are there some guidelines that you might give the kids for talking or making sure that they feel open to, to, you know, being involved?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so definitely we want the kids, whatever their age and whatever their ability, to express themselves in the way that they can.
Speaker 2:One thing that is a positive, I guess you know, in this process is kids have to learn, or should learn, to advocate for themselves, to share with mom, to share with dad or whoever they're going to be spending time with and what things that are bothering them, as well as things that they want and maybe don't work for them in that household. So if one parent maybe isn't familiar and has a different parenting style, which is OK, right, but the child has to let the parent. This is what works and what doesn't work and this is what I like. So you know, having a mental health professional kind of help, that process can be useful to give them the skills to do that. But also you can create parenting plans and use communication type approaches, that where you can share the information with the other parents Say, one parent hasn't been the primary caregiver, hasn't been as involved Then we want to share information so that the child is comfortable and each parent is comfortable with with with them during their time.
Speaker 1:Absolutely yeah, and when we are, you know, really intentional with our kids and and really looking at what their needs are and everything, I even though it's such a hard process, I'm sure it's better when you can kind of understand and be able to accommodate in and hopefully have both parties doing the same work as much as possible. And sometimes that's not going to be possible and there are going to be, you know, rougher times than others and that's just unfortunate. But it's great that you are somebody there that they can reach out to and this is such a wonderful service and so important to have those families feel like this situation isn't the kind of end of you know, there's a light at the end of the tunnel and they can see moving forward, that it can be a healthier situation for them. Let's definitely touch on, I think, an important part that I'm I think maybe gets missed, and that's self-care. How should a person going through this? What are some tips you might give the parents for themselves and for their kids, for self-care?
Speaker 2:That's a good question. As you said, you're kind of enrolled in the motion of divorce and so I help people as a coach to go from the motion of divorce to the business of divorce. But how do we do that? We have to recognize that this is a big event in our lives and there's a grief cycle, so it's not affecting just us, but also the kids are facing that as well. So just be cognizant. And it's okay to feel different emotions and go through different phases, whether it's anger, denial, bargaining and finally want to get to acceptance.
Speaker 2:But if we don't take care of ourselves, we're not going to be able to make good decisions in divorce and make good decisions for our kids and be there for our kids. If we're just stressed out and angry all the time, are we really being a good parent? And so if you can try to find some help whether it's respite or have people come in, or when the child is in school, perhaps have time for your self-care and do whatever you need to do to eat healthy, exercise, whatever it looks like to you, or just a few moments to relax, have fun, meet up with some friends, whatever self-care might look like to you, so it could be something, even for five minutes, just being grateful for what you do have. So I heard a quote recently that you can't be grateful and stress at the same time. So just take a moment to just be grateful for what we do have.
Speaker 2:And granted, things are tough, so I'm not trying to paint a rosy picture all the time, but we want to say, ok, what is it that we want our future to look like? What is the goal that we have for ourselves and for our kids? And, like you said, the whole point of this is to come up with a bright and positive future for everybody involved. It may look different in different families and maybe an amicable divorce, or maybe more of a high conflict divorce, but either way, there's ways to approach it so that you become your best self and communicate in the best way possible to your child, to your soon to be ex spouse and to your divorce team, because the more in control and imposed you are, then, the more seriously you'll be taken by by everybody that you're coming across with.
Speaker 1:I really agree and you know I have a friend going through kind of a rough time right now and I was just saying you know you need to just really focus on the things you're doing. Whatever things that other person isn't doing or is, you don't need to bring that to the everyone's table and everything. Everyone's attention like really remain like introspective with yourself and and not putting, um, you know, the blame or kind of it's really hard because when you're whoops, excuse me when you're hurt or you're going through something like that, I mean I think it's a human emotion to feel defensive or things like that. But yeah, you have to be really careful with um ears listening and um, really take the steps to do things like journaling, maybe, to get out your feelings. Or, um, take the time to have a coach that you can talk to about the really frustrating parts, so that you don't have to feel like that you're pent up with these emotions and feelings, that you can't talk about them, but that you're not sharing them with coworkers, you're not sharing them with your kids and you're really making a plan to move forward for the success for all of you involved, because really you came together with the intention that it was going to work and it doesn't.
Speaker 1:Most people don't wish horrible. They don't want to see horribleness for the other person. So remember to be kind, and to yourself, to your kids, to the other partner for sure. What do you think is some advice that you would give families, whether they're kind of at the beginning or in the middle of this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would say don't rush into anything. Don't rush into making decisions. Don't rush to tell the other party the first thing that comes to your mind. We want to sit on things, we want to kind of see what's best for us, maybe consult with professionals before making drastic steps or say things that you can't take back. Everything that's out there in text and email can be considered proof. So everything that you're going to say to your spouse, whether it's verbal or written, make the assumption that a third party, like a judge, may see that communication.
Speaker 2:So we always want to be at our best. Treat this like you would a business deal, in a way where you know what would you say to your employer. Are you going to, what kind of language would you use, what kind of tone? Because the more upset you are, then you're going to raise the other person's level of emotion as well. So want to try to keep things as even keel as possible. Granted, you may have the other person is up here, but we want to try to be calm so we can hopefully bring down their level as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely no.
Speaker 1:I love that outlook actually, because the more someone can maybe remove the emotions of it, even though it is extremely an emotional time and I can only say that now you know retrospectively, looking back at how emotional it was that I think I was 22 or something when I went through my first divorce, so my only, only divorce I plan on ever having, by the way, but it was and I didn't have kids at the time and so and even just having to go through something like that.
Speaker 1:But I also am child of divorced parents and I'm an only child and I'm an autistic, late diagnosed autistic and so when I look back at those things and I look back at the kind of trauma that was the life that I had, unfortunately, yeah, I would hope that someone like you to be able to go and give advice and help families go through that and hopefully families are a little bit more open to getting help now than they were then, like when it was more, like you said, a little bit more hush hush and don't let anyone know this is happening Like it's happening, the rates you know this is distics. So better to be prepared. Have somebody in your corner. More importantly, be your best self, like you said. I really love that. You said that Expect that a third party will have access to all of the communication. I love that you said that that is something that people really need to keep in mind.
Speaker 2:Post on social media anything negative about the other person. I mean, you can use it to learn and inspire yourself and learn from podcasts and different things that are out there which are quite a few, but and share advice. But but, yeah, there's things to motivate you to learn, maybe, about how to approach different situations, and there's books and happy to share resources, but it's important to remember that, um, we're always going to be a co-parent with that other parent. We may not be married to them, but when you have a child with you know these, where both parents will continue to hopefully stay, remain involved, you're going to have to have that ongoing relationship. It may not be, you know, a loving one, but it should be respectful and one where you can hopefully be in the same room and, if you're not, at least communicate as you need to about that child.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because really, most importantly, your child I'm sure for both parties is so important and you do want to know that they are getting the best care that they can get, no matter whether it's from you, a caretaker, your spouse. So put them um, put them first, put their dignity and their um privacy and all of those things first. I I I do agree with that. It is so nice to have you on and to catch up with you. Tell people where they can go to find you, to get more information, and then maybe we'll see if there's anything up and coming that you might be doing soon.
Speaker 2:Sure, yeah. So my social media is in my website. Name is Special Family Transitions, so people can connect with me on all those. I have a contact form on my website that people can reach out to me at and tell me about their situation. I'm happy to do a complimentary session to learn about your situation and discuss how I might be able to help. So most of my work right now is one-on-one coaching, but my plan is to develop a group coaching program. So if you're interested in being part of the pilot or an upcoming session when that gets off the ground, then please reach out to me as well.
Speaker 2:But I have also a mini course I created for people to kind of get the basics. It's more geared toward the moms, but it's really good for anybody to figure out steps they need to take and things they need to think about when they're going through this process. Because one thing that is unique about this versus, say, a typical divorce, is that you're going to have to plan for the child's needs in the future, not just when they turn 18 and hope that everything's going to be fine after that, because it may or may not, and so you have to plan. Okay, how are we going to hopefully together take care of the expenses and needs that the young adult or child may have going forward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, website Special Family Transitions. Just want to make sure I get it all quickly, okay, good.
Speaker 2:Wonderful. Follow me on my personal Facebook as well. It's Mary Ann Pano Hughes. But, yeah, happy to support you. Most of my work is done with one parent, but I've also gone through mediation training and parenting coordination training so I can help and work with both families. It's hard for both parents if they would like to try to get on the same page and talk about some things that they can do so that the divorce doesn't become a high conflict situation. So the way kind of approach it and how to maybe talk to each other at the beginning stages, so that we're we have a kind of a roadmap for going forward. Even if you do work with lawyers during or after our discussions even if you do work with lawyers, you know during or after you know our discussions- yeah, absolutely, and you know, always keep in mind that you there is support out there that you know you're.
Speaker 1:If you have an attorney and you think maybe you need a coach, ask them if they have recommendations. Right, and just you don't have to go through this alone. You don't have to go through many situations alone. There's, there's communities. Please reach out to Marianne or myself if you have questions, if you need resources, and we're so excited to to have you on and to have this special resource available for our listeners. So, thank you so so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you, appreciate it. Like you said, it's a hard process but you'll get through it, get the right team and definitely get people who understand special needs and disabilities and autism as part of the process to better support you and your and your kids.
Speaker 1:Oh, I love that. Oh, anything um coming up for you events or anything you might be doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, like I said, I'm kind of getting ready for as recorded as end of 2024, getting ready to kick off some things in 2025. So definitely reach out to me. I'm starting a private Facebook group too, so definitely get on that and I'll share more information on all my social media as well.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's great. Like a support group kind of group. I love that Wonderful. Well, it's been so nice to chat with you today and I look forward to staying in touch. Great, thank you, thank you.
